The guy who had people around him, and no one who really knew him.
My story
For a long time, I looked fine on paper. Good marriage, meaningful work, people around me. But underneath, I carried a quiet belief I picked up early: I have to earn my place.
That belief showed up everywhere, and especially in my friendships. I was the guy who showed up for everyone, kept things light, and never let anyone see when I was struggling. I had plenty of friends. Very few of them really knew me.
I remember going through a difficult time in 2020. My roommates had moved out, I was unemployed and I felt like I couldn't reach out to anyone for help. I was suffering in silence. I knew my friends would pick up the phone, but I was scared of what they'd think of me, how they'd respond and how I'd have to change once I shared. That led to some big mistakes in my life that could've been avoided if I was just honest and got the help I needed.
What changed things wasn't more information. It was learning that I didn't have to earn my place with people, and then practicing a different way of showing up. One honest conversation, one invitation and one Rep at a time.
What I've learned about men
Most men don't have a friendship problem. They have a worth problem that shows up as a friendship problem.
When you believe deep down that you're only valuable for what you do, you end up doing one of two things:
You perform. You're the funny one, the reliable one, the one who has it together. People like you, but they don't know you.
You pull away. You handle everything yourself, don't ask for help, and tell yourself you're "just not that social."
Both leave you in the same place: plenty of people around, no one to call.
The good news is that friendship is a skill, and so is believing you're worth knowing. Both can be learned. That's the work I do.
